Moving Realizations....part 6

If I am honest, it is getting old. This moving. This consistent change...
And they are getting older. I notice it in their smiles from those tiny triangle preschool teeth, to the six year old with bottom ones that wiggle, and that tween stage and smile of all size teeth in every direction that are starting to appear more adult like every day. These are the changes that every parent longs to remember and cherish. These are physical change, such gracious reminders to grasp the strings that kids try to tie to doors to pull them from one season of childhood to the next. Change is sensitive and sometimes I can get stuck. Stuck to a depth that the thread string won't pull me through, sometimes I need a tug-o-war type o' strength rope, and more than not through these moving realizations, I need a chain to pull me from the pit of falling into belief of my vain imaginations and futile thoughts. The move was blessed again with many details of His Amazing Grace and provisions that move us to new places of refreshment and challenged faith. It's been many months now since we swam out of one city and into another city, the U-Haul filled with boxes and no room for much but to remind myself to stop and breathe and circle up with my children and pray. These are treasures of change. God's grace so fills my empty view and fear of what the future holds. As I have mentioned before, the boxes labels continue to get sweeter with handwriting other than my own and take twice as long to pack with such determination to help.

His mercies are new every morning,with every box, with every child. These lil' changes, I must handle with less of me and more of them. Yes, Jesus, I want to echo your prayer to Our Father, "less of me, and more of you." This is our calling. God made me a woman, a wife and a mother. God made my babe, a man, quiet leader of our home, the provider and passionately seeking endlessly for God's plan to break the chains that bind, fighting with weapons not of this world for a victory; a new legacy for generations to come. This is the reason, God continues to hem us in before and behind (Psalm 139). He graciously and gently continues to remind me...The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want...right, I shall not want. Oh, so many things my flesh can flare to consuming flames that take more than myself to burn away my selfish desires. My man is so gentle, so beautifully broken, so hopeful for God's greatness. He leads us as God moves us to streams of living water that we often do not see. The waves of emotion run high as all transitions are certain to bring. In the valley, it is so plush. Each move, we battle fear, insecurity, wonder, and twisted excitement...and yet we cling to a peace that passes understanding. We know that God's ways are not the world's and not for our own understanding. God's sovereignty and goodness are an unfathomable gift to explain and one that I pray each can experience. I am so weak. I am so broken, so sinful, so moved in more ways than literal. After this 5th move in 4 years, my heart cries the words of these songs...

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me...my chains are gone, I've been set free,..So look up, look up this is the song of the redeemed, it's gonna be alright, turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Amazing Grace...My Chains are Gone

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus / Look Up

He is our chain to pull us out, and breaks the chains that bind us. My man and I strive for this prayer to be answered...we pray to be CHAIN - BREAKERS in Jesus Christ, our Savior, Our Lord. May He forever move us closer until heaven calls us home. Amen and amen.

King Herod is still part of Christmas

I was reading the Christmas story to my 3M's tonight before bed. After finishing, I asked them each their favorite person of  Christmas. Matthias quickly answered, "Jesus because he is the savior!" And Malachi followed quickly in his big brothers footsteps. Miracle she said she liked the angels who brought the good news and also the shepherds who went and told everyone about Jesus whom them had seen. 

Then, Miracle said, "Ask us the worst part of Christmas?" And they all answered, "King Herod!" Their faces cringed as if Christmas would be better without King Herod.

I challenged them to think about why King Herod was an important part of Christmas? Yes he was the mean King ; trying to be the death of Jesus, but he is also another reminder to us as followers ofJesus that God protects and leads those that are His. I asked them each to think of the meanies in their world right now. For Matthias it was his struggle to make a super long playdough hotdog just like his sister today...tears and frustration filled his body as the battle in his mind was so easily seen through my mom heart. I quickly called him to me and he squeezed me tightly with tears. I whispered truth loudly in his ear, "you are good, you are not measured by the playdough, you don't have to believe the lie that wants to ruin your fun of playing playdough."

What is it that is seeking to "kill" your life today, to keep the real Savior and King from claiming the throne in your heart and mind and entire life? I know for me, I recognized it as pride today. It's a monster that I wish I didn't have to admit. The silent loud whisper in my head...the control, the nagging angry rise to know ... If pride could just get to the stable where He lay...my 'King Herod'...plays to deceive...but God is greater! Because of 'King Herod's' in our lives, God has more opportunity to speak and appear more...continuing to prove His promise and Authority, and Rule and Reign! The silence was broken, and God's word fulfilled demonstrating that nothing can alter the sovereignty of God. Have you made it to the manger this Christmas because of a 'King Herod' that drove you to find Him? And are you willing to take a different route in obedience of God's warning? After all, the only reason you found Jesus the Savior was because God led you with the star in the sky...

Read the Christmas story account for yourself and ponder...it's time to breathe Him in! From Matthew 2...

“After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born. “In Bethlehem in Judea,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written: “ ‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for out of you will come a ruler who will shepherd my people Israel.’ ” Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.” After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route. When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.” So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.” When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: “A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.” After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, “Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child’s life are dead.” So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets, that he would be called a Nazarene.”

Matthew 2:1-23 NIV

http://bible.com/111/mat.2.1-23.niv

God IS...

Immanuel! Yes God IS with us. This is ever comforting. He is my perseverance.
God is with you.
God is with me.
"Fear not, for I AM with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
I find myself pressing into this truth in my emotional aches that pang me for understanding, peace and God's perspective, longing for contentment in this life for my man, and crying out for the ability to surrender my 3M's to the King of Kings because whatever this earthly life may bring..
I have to believe that God IS with us...and this changes my life.
And if God is with us, He is also FOR us...the world whispers that He is not, how could a perfect God be FOR this chaos, mass confusion and violence, why the suicide rates, and stone cold faces, the wide open mouths of disbelief every time we see the news, the thousands that lose the battle to cancer, the many situations that bring hopelessness, and I could go on...
"But if God be for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31
Just ponder that question. What if it's true that God is with us and that He is for us? I don't know your life but I know there are battles you fight daily that seem never ending. I can feel alone in my struggles...but something tells me that I'm wrong. Are our battles different yet the same? What are you believing in the midst of your pain - that God IS with you or do you just bank on that screen to be with you? I've tried that, oh facebook please rid me of my loneliness and deseire for adult conversation, or how 'bout all those times of hard to swallow news when you pick up your cellphone and can so easily call someone from your 'favorites list' ; they will know exactly what to say, right? But these days, I'm asking the Lord to help me to live like Mary as she journeyed with Joseph to Bethlehem. The quickest physical help she had was one earthly man named Joseph, and the faith that angels had been among her...yet without a cell phone she was tired, weary, and pressing on...she knew that God was with her and this MIRACLE that the angel presented to her was growing bigger and drawing nearer ever hour. This didn't seem to lessen the world's disbelief and the overwhelming bombardment of situations to try to detour and prevent and confuse...but guess what?
God is with us.
God is for us.
And if God be for us, who can be against us?
The stable held Immanuel and the animals sang his praises and the star shown brighter than the rest without doubt providing warmth, protection, and certain hope. A baffling overwhelming head shaking realization that this was not of the world....sustained by the One great God - the creator of the universe.
These days have me changing ... I've been kneeling on my knees. Not because I am holy but becasue I cannot stand any longer. I am undone, running out of words. From one conversation to the next, I fail to communicate God's faithfulness and sovereignty, seems the cracks in my voice and look on my face speak frailty to the others. I am a cracked pot. Here is the truth: God is faithful and this world is faithful to try to disapprove it. I won't let it. In the midst of my weariness, I find myself with tears running down my face with such passionate desire to trust that God IS good. I know that His love will endure...can His great faithfulness sustain you and me? 
Life is stepping towards another move...at this point, it can be hard to determine what type of move. It might be a physical and spiritual move, or it might end up being only a spiritual move within our hearts and minds. Whatever happens, I know it is going to be life altering. No one moves 5 times in 4 years without forever being changed and may it be because God is with us and God is for us. Yes!
This Christmas season, will you join me in fighting the tides of the culture and living the truth that "Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel, which being interpreted is, GOD WITH US." Matthew 1:23
And will you fix your eyes up with me...as we each look in expectation for the 'star' that shines so bright to show us the way to go in our 'merry go round' lives...
"When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy." Matthew 2:10
There are tears along the way, but joy will soon fill us forever and ever.
Endure. Don't give up. Fight the good fight. The WORD is living and active sharper than any two edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12) Choose to declare it even when you and I ask 'why?' because
He
is
Immanuel.
God with us.
God for us.

Memory Care

I prepped them. We can choose to shine our light and spread the love of Jesus. There is nothing to fear in these elderly people. They might look different, smell different, talk different, or act different...They love to see children, you bring health and joy and memory sometimes... We prayed on our walk over that God would be with us.
It was awkward, honestly, knowing the faith and literal value of conversations that three young children possess. Unsure, of how it would go...we were escorted into the locked down facility. Activity time was our invitation. Yahtzee was the game today. My 3 kiddos followed my prep so well and stood in the doorway boldly introducing themselves to the elderly.
My heart broke. There they sat all gazing from person to person, wondering what Yahtzee was, and if they were part of the game.
She had white dandelion hair, she walked so slow yet with much anticipation as she reached my youngest sitting upon my lap, gently stroking my child's face asking to play. My son's lil' smile consumed his face and the elderly gal was comforted. He talked back and said he could play...yet on the walk home, the kids so innocently asked, "can she really come over and play?"
She continued to move towards the seat at the end of the table, stopping at my middle child and he so lovingly looked over his shoulder at her, his brown eyes tossing rays of acceptance and wonder...
Another gal sat quietly in the corner, I told my youngest to go say hi. He did. She talked of nothing that made sense and how she wanted to hold him on her lap...he declined the invitation. But over came my middle child accepting the invitation and was suddenly, being held. My oldest sat beside her, nodding her head as the elderly gal rambled on about past regrets that seemed but recent to her and how she marveled at the seam on the shorts of my middle child she was holding. My heart continued to break as the Yahtzee game continued, the activity therapist went from one to the next telling them how to shake and what to shake and then writing their score for each of them.
Another elderly gentlemen sat beside us, commenting on his similar haircut to my two boys.
 He asked his name,
"Malachi." my youngest son replied.
"He will change his name," the man responded looking at me.
 "Oh do you know what his name means?" I ask. "Would you like me to tell you?"
"No one knows," the elderly man replied.
And then I told them, "it means a messenger of God."
And it brought the greatest stir of the Yahtzee game thus far and many spoke in agreement of this lil' boy's purpose. Many spoke about the blessing of children from the Lord.
There was another elderly man who prompted a treasured confirmation for my broken heart. I asked him of his day, and he said his wife and him were reading through the old testament together. I asked him his favorite scripture and he began to say, "The Lord is my shepherd..." I said that the kids and I had just memorized it and then it filled the room, the rich voice of the elderly man and the comfort of my children's voices quoting Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

4Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,^a

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

5You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

6Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

It was the moment we came for, the moment we prayed for...and the elderly were still, some with tear filled eyes and red noses...it might have been the best memory care of the day even.
My heart continues to break for the failing minds and the bondage that wasn't chosen or intended but now most are prone to wonder. But one thing was confirmed today...God cares for the memory of His greatness.
Psalm 145;7 "Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised. They shall abundantly utter the memory of they goodness."
His word is our Memory Care whether we know it or not.

Moving Realizations...Part 5

My blog was paused. But much has happened! 

I am still breathing...

Ok maybe, I've held my breath a few times... 

I have been breathing Him in through much joy, yet another transition (we moved 7 months ago AGAIN, and miracles and trials continue to flow in the rivers of Gods grace and mercy... Thankfully unceasing. 

Moving realizations part 5...it's not over...

I am so being changed. Many days I have been stressed. Learning how to cast down my fears and stand firm in truth. Learning how to break down boxes and store them for part 6:) with excitement and perseverance, I am for Him. I am living in Miracles of what God does because He can and His greatness who can fathom? His love is so overwhelming For Me. He is my deliverer of more than cardboard boxes from one city to another. He has done great things for me!

Most days the crumbs multiply without fail and the broom dances over the floors more than once in the hours of light. But it's those moments of scooping each child up one by one for "some lovin" I call it! And we dance and I tickle and kiss 'em and hug 'em and the other two anxiously watch with the statement, "I need some lovin too." It's not the whining or fighting that shows me perspective of hope and a future but surprises like this found in my journal: 

It's when I experience so much more of what our many moves are enforcing...- a steadfastness in the home of our hearts. We cannot get comfortable in this earthly life. It doesn't satisfy. But what I do know after moving again...just the sound of a Uhaul unseen but driving towards the front door wells in me emotion and a ball of unknown. The nest so quickly becomes cardboard castles of various sizes and the labels each year have gotten sweeter with handwriting that is not my own...I am constantly working myself out of a job...laughing myself into more spontaneous memories...because old marshmallows can't easily be thrown away. And the floor needed a reason to be mopped for sure. 

It doesn't take long to get the boxes unpacked and turn our hearts toward a new place to call our home. The same pictures go up on the walls, the 3 hooded towels hang nicely behind the bathroom door. I am reminded that God provides and confides His comfort in  my abiding. The rest we find in God's holy word is beyond comprehension. After all these moves, the memories that are cherished (from my kids recollections) are God's word that was painted into the bedroom walls, that was handwritten upon colorful construction paper and tacked upon as wall border, and we continue to sow through His word. My prayer is constantly growing that we would continue to move--to move in the currant of Gods precepts.  

I catch myself at many meals telling myself to turn from annoyance and experience the blessing; thankful for not one lil mouth that wants to pray for more than the food before the meal but 3 lil mouths and hearts that just want to pray...I guess they aren't as hungry as me. Or are they hungrier than me for the right thing that will satisfy? Oh let it be that we could be always moving in the mighty power of Almighty Abba Father who never changes but has moved with us Every. Single. Time. And He will be faithful to complete it...the final move comes nearer every day and cardboard boxes won't be part of it! 

Moving realizations part 4

I didn't tell many people this time...

Moving wasn't on my radar. Seems that every move takes me by surprise more and more. I should always be ready...I know it is just preparation for when I will permanently move... When the day comes and Jesus moves me into His forever mansion prepared for all His very own.

But all these earthly moves. 

The kids are growing fast but yet it still seems slow. They love life. A simple box and packing peanuts make the greatest toys around. The boxes were easy to find this time (God always blesses me with rare and treasured friendships), the uhaul packed well and the unpacking was smoother because I am learning...(and my mom is here). 

But these transitions. 

These changes. 

I think they are not happening and then I realize...

Everything has changed but we are still a family. My babe is learning to farm and work the land with my dad. We are still together. I have three lil miracles tagging right beside me. 6 lil eyes watching. 3 mouths singing to the radio ("and all the people said amen oh oh oh ooh") with me and 6 lil feet full of mud and sticky ash tree sap. 

There are still great things unpacking... 

Watching my man use strength and determination wile blessing and helping my dad. How quickly I can see my mom in person now. The sweet ways my children all snuggle together when they could all sit on there own piece of furniture. To look outside and see them giggling together. The dandelions my 4 year old picks and hides behind his back and so romantically offers them to me. A simple weed but beauty to the children. Moving always show me the weeds in my heart and mind. And I can't seem to find the beauty in them. 

I wanted to think that moving gets easier the more you move...it doesn't. 

I still fight the change. The loss of what I had figured out. The schedule, the daily menu, the friends and how I handled lonely long days as a mom. It all starts over. And I struggle to find my new normal. 

This move should be full of pure joy and celebration. Most say welcome back. I moved back home... My parents farm just miles from me. Room to breathe and just familiar faces and remembering each personality and their quirks and funny ways. But I am not home yet...to be totally honest, I am scared...forced to be speechless. Waiting on The One and Only to catch me up to what He is up to. I want to go where he sends me. I believe I am physically here but the rest of me is still trying to make it home. Why is change so ridiculously exhausting and difficult? Struggling to wonder what happened to my desire for God to do what He must do to strengthen me. I am finding it harder and harder to desire the fire ... Even when I know He tells me I won't be burned, even though I know he has said he is making a way in the desert. Oh my faith seems weak. My heart is steadfast I say but my mind needs renewing. How do I pick up my cross daily and follow you Jesus ? I want a bigger view. A sneak preview. I just want to know how many more stops...and then I realize God is still on the move and He will not leave me behind in my lacking of understanding, lacking of faith, lacking of relationships...he promises to carry me but he is asking me to leave the boxes behind because I won't need them to get where we are going. Jesus please empty me and pack me with your desires, your will, more of you and less of me. I realize I am just getting in the way. And you want to do the unpacking and packing.

So until the final ultimate eternal move...i am sure there was a reason it took determination and a lil brokenness to get my Jesus chair in my bedroom. I can't live without my Jesus time. And no there isn't power in the chair, but it is significant because I sit down to meet with Jesus. I will hope and pray my Jesus chair can handle all the emotions and questions, joys and pains and fears and fill me to be emptied again. My Jesus I need thee...

Tangible Reminders

I was reading in my bible this morning about the description of Jesus written in Revelation chapter 1 verses 9-16. The last verse says, "His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance." I tried to sketch a drawing of those 6 verses to try to wrap my mind around 'what I can only imagine'. My art skills are lacking to put it nicely. But it made an impact at any rate. One of my daily goals recently is to not stop reflecting and pondering what I have read in the bible that morning.
I want to fear the Lord. I want to know Jesus as my Master and Savior and Best Friend forever. I want to understand what He looks like. I want to imagine what I will see when I get to my real home; when I am greeted in the clouds by my King of Kings! Oh I truly can only imagine. To be perfectly honest the description seems so bright, so hot, so beyond my eyes to see that I wonder if I can get near Him. I know I can hear him and I loved the description of his voice. It said His voice was like the sound of rushing waters. I love to think of that sound -- it fills my mind with peace, gentleness, and fresh air to breathe.
I was driving the kids to swimming lessons today and we were driving right into the sun. My 2 year old is so sensitive. He is always quick to yell out his discontent about the brightness and today as he yelled my 6 year old daughter said, "just close your eyes."
The brilliance of the sun! That was it...the verses from this morning became tangible. I excitedly began to tell the kids about Jesus' description. I told them to just close their eyes and think about Jesus being like the sun shining in all it's brilliance. And then she said the sweetest words, "I feel like I am being held in Jesus' arms." My 6 year old helped me understand that we might go blind with our earthly eyes but our soul is comforted and drawn near by His brilliance. When He is holding us in His arms, we are covered and protected and the world cannot stand to look at us because of the shining brilliance of Jesus. In Jesus arms, we are not blinded because we know we have arrived into our Creator's embrace. Just as a child settles and rests their head on a parents shoulder so we can do the same with Jesus; our eyes can close and we can just be HELD.
surrounded by all His glory.
hearing the whispers like rushing waters in our ear.
and He says, "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!"
So tomorrow fix your eyes on the Sun and then just close them and be HELD in the tangible reminder.

The candles are broken

So advent might be over at our house... I was being so faithful to do the daily readings and light the weekly candles. 

Crazy two year old...I turn my head for just a few minutes and this is what I found. It seems there is always something that breaks around Christmas to remind me of what to focus on. 

I guess fishing was what we were called to do. 

Lord, lead him and guide Him all of his days and fill his nets with men who receive your salvation. 

 And Jesus may you catch us this Christmas when our candles are broken and we are fishing for something to replace them. Lord Jesus you have sent your angel to testify to us these things. You are the bright and morning star. You are so much more that a wreath of candles. 

Thank you and amen. 

No fruit on the vines?

 

It lingers in the my mind and times of out loud singing can't be helped...This is my Father's world and to my listening ears...this is my Father's world, I rest me in the thought...This is my Father's world He shines in all that's fair... 

 

Yet, this world seems so unfair and full of human selfishness and seeking and the prevalence of evil and wickedness is so easily seen and heard.

 

*I fight the working world to be home and love and defend and train my children up. They fight, they disobey, they cry, they love, they obey, and we try to praise.

*Facebook shows perfection and people at their best...yet pain and brokenness cannot be hidden. A marriage is divided, a lil boy was molested and the judge released the man, the bitter cold brings out the bitterness in others...seems evil is stronger...

*I speak Truth with a capital T and I am told I am the only one with that perspective and advice...loneliness could set in...

*A single mom blames me for betrayal after I have loved and cared and prayed to be the hands and feet of Jesus - evil seems to be prevailing and building walls to keep God's plan of salvation and true love from her...

*I walk into a room full of women during prayer and only 2 out of 20 women have there eyes closed in reverent prayer...where is the fear of the Lord and the desire for more?

*I attended an informational testimonial event of human trafficking and my heart broke to hear of all the fatherless homes and hurts...when evil removes the Father...is it over?

*Pictures and videos of orphans pain my heart...will they ever say mom or dad and be embraced?

*A self defense class taught me how to gouge eyes, knee groins, slap ears, and kick inner shins all because this world is not safe and evil may grab and we must be ready and aware.

 

But yet in all of this difficulty and all this inner and outer turmoil, my soul cannot be silenced and my heart continues to sing...

This is my Father's world though let me ne'er forget that though the wrong seems oft so strong God is the ruler yet. This is my Father's world the battle is not done that earth and heaven be one. I will not be afraid. I will not be afraid. This is my Father's world. No I will not be afraid when this world doesn't know who Jesus is. This world doesn't accept the way, the truth, the life. When this world doesn't accept that it was a baby that is holding them...

This is my Father's world and Christmas bring to us Emmanuel, God with us. 

So let your feeble arms stop trying to hold the cries of our babies, the cries of our broken homes, the cries our of schools where common core seems it could destroy, the cries of our evil world...for their is a cry that will never cease and it came as a baby to hold you and me. This Jesus declared victory! It's victory! It is victory. We are set free. We will bow the knee and forever sing

This. is. my. Father's. World.

This writing was inspired from reading Habbakuk 3:17-19 . It is my modern day version of those verses from the occurrences and thoughts of my own life in the past month. 

When you think you will never have a moment alone...the need is still real.

It's a daily battle. Yet it's a daily joy all the same. The lack of doors I get to shut and the lack of locks I get to turn. It hit me as my hand smoothed the water running down the shower curtain as I strained to see my 2 year old sitting on the floor getting into daddy's books on his nightstand. I smiled and he sheepishly grinned back knowing my reflection was blurry. And to him it was only a game of hide-n-seek and a chance to be curious George without being caught.
 All I needed was a shower.
Needs.
So many needs in this life. Needs of a 5 year old, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and needs of a tired hard working husband. As fun as the game of hide-n-seek and thoughts of, "oh no, I can't see him...what is he into now?"...
It's so easy in this life to get confused with what I really need and what I really want. I guess the truth was I needed a shower but I wanted the privacy. Sometimes I wonder if I could just turn all my needs into wants and to be honest I try. Denying myself and sacrificing for my family would be so much easier if I thought of it as a want. Wouldn't it?
If I could use the bathroom in peace, quiet, and privacy? If I could sit in my Jesus chair and hear more than that small voice, "me want to cowor" and then watch the scribbles cover overt he Holy words. Seems I am often straining through to get to what really matters. I find myself in frustration and self pity sometimes over these lack of closed doors and unturned locks. But today I find myself lying in bed fighting the tears and then feeling them dampen my pillow.
Oh Jesus, I want so much to deny myself and take up my cross and follow you. Why is it so hard to deny my needs?
And as I write this, it is 6 a.m.
I hear the cry from my 2 year old in his crib, "I want daddy. I want daddy." I continue to write hoping it's just a dream...I prayed through the heart wrenching cry from down the hall...
Oh I wish I didn't have needs.
I lifted myself from my Jesus chair to heed the call of my son and it hit me. I want to need. I want to need because Jesus didn't die for nothing. I am so thankful that I have needs. I can lay in my bed and call out, "Daddy. I want daddy. I want daddy." And He comes to me and walks with me and talks with me. All because my door is still open and unlocked.
And so now I sing this song even when I wish I could shut the door and lock it but there are needs around me constantly...
Lord I need you, Lord I need you.
(click on this link and worship with me and thank God for your need)

A letter for my friends

To each women that God brings into my life, 

I want you to know that I am so delighted and excited to know you. I want to know your story. I want to see the heartbeat of God in your life, I want to talk to you with so much deep down ecstatic joy that you will wonder if I had too much caffeine. I want to laugh and be loud, to cry and go deep, to pray and walk with you as you work out your salvation. I want to be with you wherever it is that you breathe in Jesus for the first time. I want to run through the muck with you knowing that it is temporary. I want to talk until we run out if words. And I want to love Jesus so much you think I have lost it. Call me crazy and I will tell you it's true love that captivated me; not a slave to sin but a servant freed! My chains are gone and I can't contain myself. 

This is not good

It was good. 

It was very good. 

That is what God said in the garden about us, his creation, bearing his earthly image. But my heart and mind can't always say it is good. 

This will happen. Jesus promised that trial, tragedy, war, and hardship would come. He says to not be frightened. I want to be strong but the obvious is the natural pull. To be afraid...afraid that the world will swallow and steal and destroy so much. So what do I do when life is consuming? When the world screams to grasp anything but truth. When all I want is to be approved of God but find myself trying to get approval from men.  The comparison trap becomes my measuring stick and it keeps slapping me towards legalism and failure or at least enough confusion and frustration that I want to give up. 

I claim whose I am. I am not my own. I was chosen. I am beloved. I am on the potters wheel still. I am a work in progress and the creator God almighty continues to put breath into my body and wake me up each day. 

In this world of information overload, the opinions and ideas multiply by the seconds. The deceiver is scheming to trap us. I find myself ensnared. From nutrition to parenting to education to spirituality; I jump from blog to blog, from peer conversations to intentional change hoping that I will gain. But I notice that life isn't getting back to good and Gods words are reigning true supremacy. It has to happen. The path is narrow and the workers are few. I cannot afford to be horizontally distracted when the very core of my entire being is connected directly with heaven. And I know I am not home yet. I yearn for the day when the fight to rest on The Lord instead of my independence ceases. I yearn for the day when I can stop casting my anxieties and cares on the Lord because there will be no more. I yearn for the day when perfection will shine brighter than the sun and worship will be all I know. I well up with tears knowing that my bridegroom is coming back for me. Yet I burn with a passion deep inside knowing that deception is constantly around us, a passion that shouts, "cling to the truth and let yourself be vertically embraced by the one and only Jesus Christ who saves you and crushes the enemy once and forever. You and I do not have to be consumed or pulled down. For you ohLord  God are so much more than good you are great and your love endures forever. You faithfulness to me In my faithless times cannot be stopped. Your protection and guidance is my plea in a world wandering so far from good and evil seems to prevail. You Lord Jesus  have my heart and will keep my feet fitted to stand firm until the trumpet sounds and the clouds divide. I cannot imagine. Oh keep me watching and waiting and all the while serving you as my audience of one.

Confirmations

"Where you send me, Lord, I will go." So here I am after 5 long years of birthing pains and known impossibilities made possible.

I am right where I am supposed to be. 

And the battle rages. 

God made a way and called us to it. 

A life that takes my breath away when I get tackled and jumped on as I attempt to give airplane rides on my legs stretched up to the ceiling. A faithful husband who works so hard providing more than a paycheck ... The stability and assurance that is seen with every daily welcome home squeal from the kids. The comfort of my mans embrace as I sigh relief that I made it through  yet another with a meal cooked and ready to eat and three resilient kids remembering only the joys of the day and not a weary moms impatience or lack of.

I am right where I am supposed to be.

And the battle rages on.

 Most days i feel the pull of this world to run with the ways of American Dreams for more stuff, better business, and bigger feelings to follow. 

Yet, in the midst of the tug of war; for some reason finding this...

Mess! 

and then just minutes later finding him in this...

Mess! (He found some peanuts in my purse and started an early breakfast?)

God has confirmed it.

 I am where i am supposed to be.

And the battle rages stronger still.

God's confirmations come through the perfect timing of loneliness and friendships, the gut wrenching strengthening and battles of fighting for a biblical unified marriage, the push against the grains of culture to sit down and eat a family meal with giggles and spills and so much noise you can't hear yourself talking out loud. 

When the battle weighs so heavy and the economy takes every penny and more to keep up with fresh blueberries and string cheese. When the future picture with current circumstance offers no hope of a fenced in backyard or house to call our own. It is hard to not want to run for change. 

I am right where I am supposed to be. 

And the battle rages stronger and stronger. 

It is easy to take pride and independence and run with it...but that won't win the battle. When God answers a man's 4-year long prayer, it is going to take perseverance and faith to endure. The battle is not our own ...

And we are right where we are supposed to be.

So bring on the raging battle.

We are sticking in the palm of Gods Almighty hand even if it means blood, sweat, tears, and constant tug of war. 

God is on the move and I want to go with.

Oh Lord carry us on and keep us from getting ahead of your journey of perfection and completion. You are Jehovah Jireh! Amen. 

Can you claim it?

I sing it to my youngest every night, "...yes Jesus loves you yes Jesus loves you, the bible tells me so." And sometimes he sings along but he doesn't say 'you' he sings, "yes Jesus loves me." It caught me by surprise to hear him singing me when i was singing you. Normally, he is listening and copying everything he hears and sees. But in just 22 months of life on this earth he is claiming it as his own.  My heart was comforted. Afterall, It is a song being sung just to him in the quietness and dimness of his lil bedroom with truth pouring over Him. But tonight as I heard him sing me I followed suit. Because today I realized I needed to claim it for me too. To let the stresses of the day wash away, to allow God's great love for me sink in deeper...and I tried to allow his little toddler hand comfort me as it wrapped around my neck. The faith of a child is innocent and contagious! So tonight as I lie in bed to go to sleep I am asking God to treat me as His child and rejoice over me with singing not because I deserve it but because He longs to be gracious to me and Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so! 

Zephaniah 3:17 He will quiet you with His love; he will rejoice over you with singing. 

When the Rain Boots Hold a River

 

"Mom, there is a river in my boots," Miracle said with a great big grin and giggle. The joy of the running water and the splashes overflowing into the boots was just enough to remove the gloom of the weather. My hair wasn't combed that day and yesterday's braid was still in my hair just pulled back with a different ponytail to pull back all the hair that had fallen from the loose braid. It was a 'roast belongs in the crockpot' type of day. But joy spreads rapidly when the rain boots hold a river. I was smiling. Spectators slowed down as they drove by, honking, and waving, with a face that spoke, "I want to be doing that today!" All in agreement of the unmentioned thoughts: "let's play in this all day...pray the puddle doesn't dry up. ever." The rain is unwanted at this point but this puddle...more than a blessing. It was creating a new forever memory and more that day. Reminds me of what God's love can do; create a river in my boots that I just want to continue to swim in. The splashes change my hairstyle and my face drips as if it's raining again. Life can feel so full of blessing that they just kept running and jumping and splashing. Then it was time to pull the boots off and dump the water off and capture the river. The suction was so strong they giggled and fell over and laid down trying with all their might to take their boots off.

 

 

And that is just how it is with God's love. Suctioned to our souls. our hearts. our minds. We can choose to be frustrated and want to change our soaking wet dirt specked socks lives. Or we can just roll and giggle and love the river that's flowing and moving around inside that will. not. come. out.

 

2 Thessalonians 3:5

"May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance."

 

There is so much that happens in the blink of an eye...the puddle dries and they are BIG and God's love never ends. Amen

Blind Faith Offers Heightened Senses

I don't know very many blind people, but the few testimonies that I have read or heard from blind individuals is that they believe they are greatly blessed because they are so much more aware of the other senses they do have. They also have such a heightened intimate relationship with Jesus Christ that it appears that they can actually SEE what we all would like to see. Oh how I long to be in this place with my Jesus...but yet I am so far from it.
I am walking through this life right now with blind faith and the only one that can guide me is the Lord Jesus Christ. But lately, I so often have changed from walking out my blind faith to living within what only my human eyes can see in the temporary. I am completely overwhelmed when this happens. I place myself right in a muddy puddle of meltdown tears and pity parties. The fear, worry, anxiety, and confusion whirl around inside my heart and mind and I lose all heightened sense that I should have.
When I am walking in blind faith, I can echo the words from

Psalm 119:105-112

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light for my path.

I have taken oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws.

I have suffered much; preserve my life, Lord, according to your word.

Accept, Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.

Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.

The wicked have set a snare for me, but I have not strayed from your precepts.

Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart.

My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.

So, for today (when all I know and feel is revealing to me that I am living in the temporary) I am choosing to allow the Lord to blind the eyes of my heart that I may walk in blind faith. With Jesus, I can support my husband and be his #1 helpmate, I can be a stay at home homeschool mom and do it well...This is not to say that life will get easier, but at least I will have heightened senses of secuirty, peace, joy, understanding, and wisdom and with those I will be greatly blessed.

Burden cleaner

 

Sometimes a lil black dirt is good to uncover. It reminds me that there still is richness for pure natural beauty to grow...you know the good ol' country farm dirt, earth worm filled, black moist soil with a smell that only your nose can explain.
I had the privilege to do some good farm house yard work. The kids were running around sort of helping me and suddenly I found myself alone. Just me with purple work gloves keeping my hands from dirt beneath my nails, the warm hum of bees pollinating the trees way high up, and a big rock garden of burdens that needed a good spring cleanup. My parents have created a spiritual journey throughout their farm with different stops with a word or two that is elaborated upon as people are taken through on a one of a kind prayer walk. So there I was in the burden stop thinking of the irony of cleaning up the waste and debris amongst the burdens trying to uncover the black dirt and rock burdens.
It was quite therapeutic in a few ways. One, I was finally getting a literal fresh breath of air in the spring breeze with a much needed break from my calling and 24/7 role as mom. Two, God met me there. Sometimes I try to just clean up my burdens on my own and make them look comfortable and almost right. My pride keeps me from letting go. And as I start to justify and decorate the burden, seems life just gets messier and impossible.
God is the #1 mr. clean. He is the restorer and rebuilder. He wants to take my burdens but he has to use the rake or his hands or his words and uncover the burden and dark rich soil before he can take it And make it something beautiful.
The job was sweat making with dirt filled gloves, and one lady bug (freaked as if it was a wood tick) crawling up the inside of my pant leg kind of job. But the end result was immediately noticeable and so refreshing. Clean burdens are easier to see, pick, and remove. Burdens lead me to Jesus. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30 "come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I don't know about you but I am bringing my burdens to Jesus. He will clean them up with utmost gentleness and humility. And when the rocks are cleaned up and replaced with lighter burdens, I will look and see the beauty of The Lord in this joy filled but trouble filled life and rest (after the ladybug is out of my pants of course.) so maybe it's time to get cleaned up and expose that life giving dirt.

 

Seek and He Will Be Found

The UNO cards just became an ice rink for the kids to slide and dive in. i noticed the rubber band for them around my wrist. The cards were one of the many things I was trying to find as the dinner hour was approaching. Hoping my energy burst would soon kick in, the anticipation of my man walking through the door, the excited voices and little legs running to greet their daddy. I don't want to forget these days where it seems I am constantly seeking.

I am grasping the truth that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. It is ok. i am ok.

I am more than ok as I lie in the middle of my bed at 7 a.m. with two preschoolers fast asleep squishing me as if I was the cream in the Oreo. I have been beating myself up for not getting up for morning quiet time or exercise but today I close my eyes to seek The Lord for the way He planned my day. It isn't my plan but a way everlasting. It is unlike this moment where I can feel the tiny breadths hit my face and their lil arms rub my own. I know it won't be this way forever.

I know there won't be many more days where I find the three kids jumping on my freshly made bed that they totally stripped of bedding. I jump on along and then find myself belly down all cozy into the mattress reading books to my daughter as the boys wrestle amidst the story. They giggle and fall and my one year old sits upon my back.

I accept the grace that security was established in my children today and it was more than just the pajamas that my 5 year old wore all day long. It was the bible stories that we read at breakfast, the many twirls I did with each child in my arms until we were so dizzy the room was spinning and I collapsed on the couch. it was spontaneous random hugs in the middle of the reading lesson as my daughter giggles and begs to get back to her reading.

As I open the fridge to start the dinner, I grin to see the plastic Easter egg as the kids are actually playing on their own ... Hiding and seeking the Easter eggs. And so I ponder our verse for the week; Excited that we have made it all the way to the letter S with the verse from Isaiah 55:6 Seek The Lord while He may be found. I think The Lord showed me a whole new way to that truth today. Now where did all those UNO cards go?

I never want to forget

Please note: this writing to is for my personal documentation of a foundational conversation and truth blast that is pivotal in our lives for the Glory of God. Please read with this in mind and know that I am not writing for an audience of blog readers. But still I choose to keep my blog public because I love people and believe God speaks to us in mysterious and unforseen ways and life experiences of others.

I never want to forget...the realization that I had to explain to my 5 year old..I cannot keep it from her anymore. As scary as it is. It is reality. It isn't discussed because it isn't understood by the world. It's all written and explained in one book yet more than just any book. The living holy word of God and even those words are not going to be believed and accepted by many. I realize this hard heart wrenching truth. Even now as I write this my eyes are full of tears because this world is a battle ground.
Where countries are consumed by selfish deceit of hopes of authority, wealth and prosperity.
Where men are being lied to and cheated out of their identity as God created them for. Where women are pressured to one up career status quo.
Where women make their homes and nurture their children in the worlds disrespect and with daily gruelsome toil that more often than not raw tired emotion, lonliness, and tiny tot mundane tasks are more than they can bear.
Marriages crumble. Children ache and simply survive with confusion and much unknown.
Sin encroaches...There is no one righteous, not even one; there is not one who understands, not one who seeks God. (Romans 3:11)

But the battle belongs to the Lord!

So read on...
Now a righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. (Romans 3:21-26)

My 5 year old and my 3 year old know these two realities written in red above , but what I had to explain...what I couldn't keep from her any longer after a direct question from my daughter, "Mom, Satan is dead, right?"

I had to tell her truth. Sugar coating won't make it better, because her earthly life is only going to get harder, temptation and trials and sin and the presence of evil will come as the day grows near. The battle is getting stronger because time is running out...

I never want to forget...or want my family to forget that:
Satan is alive but we need not be afraid. Follow this truth:

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil (aka Satan) prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. to him be power for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:8)
So, we talked about the good versus evil; God, creator and ruler or heaven and earth and Satan, prince of this world (earth). That Satan is alive. And Satan's purpose is to detour humans from the love of Jesus Christ and the greatest display of power ever to be known to man (The resurrection from death on a cross.) Even Satan knows the truth and who wins. Therefore, we should hold fast to Jesus. "Jesus is in my heart, mom." Miracle said. "Yes, and just always remember that and who won the battle?"

Jesus said, "Do not be afraid. I am the first and the last. I am the Living One: I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades." (Revelation 1:17-18)

------

And so it is no surprise to me as I reflect upon my week that I can see the prowling lion seeking us. I have let my womanly hormones and emotions overtake at times. I walked away from bible study discouraged and alone. Tempted to stop trying to make friends in this new place. The trip to the library was stressful and defeating. The mom role was wearisome. My husbands work was longer and more grueling than most weeks leading to disconnect in marriage.
Yet, in it all through the power of Jesus in my family, a testimony and glimpse of victory was shared with people all over the country through a letter, a girl was encouraged about a daily Jesus time over coffee, neighbors were lifted up in prayer, co-workers were prayed for, protection and healing were captured through the power of prayer, and my daughter is singing louder and bolder than ever the name of JESUS because she knows the truth. I opened the ipad only to find that my husband was working on making a detailed prayer list for each day of the week. i was humbled after frustration with him. And I am brought back to the heartbeat of what I was created for...the daily mundane is more than what I see, it is a battle field and we should live in VICTORY for all to see whether they understand, have eyes to see, or ears to hear...Satan has always been alive but Jesus was alive, was dead, and is alive forevermore. So I will not stop. I never want to forget that this earthly life is more...it is a battle and though Satan is alive and appearing to win...Jesus won the victory!
Our eyes are fixed upon it.
Amen.

Breathing Through Some Fears

Breathing Shallow
We named them all just one name because it's always just one at a time. His name is Larry. Larry the spider. This lil' creature is the reason for Miracle's fear and the reason she won't sit in the chair nearest the wall at the dinner table. So every once in awhile Larry crawls up the wall to join us for dinner and his life comes quickly to an end but Miracle is still afraid. And Matthias talks to him and quickly runs to get the kleenix... but naming the spider has created a brief moment for a pet but no longer than that.

Breathing Deep
I hold him tight and stroke his back through the fleece footie pajamas and I sing. And suddenly he sings too. He isn't afraid to jabber his way through the songs. His 16 1/2 month old 'talking' warms my heart as we sing Jesus Loves You together and he sings, "ba ba" for bible. His little arms span across my body and his fingers grasp tightly around my shoulders, with his head resting gently upon my shoulders he knows the singing is over and the momma is praying and soon the crib will be his comfort. He doesn't want to stop singing. He says, "mo" which translates into more songs at bedtime. Oh the comfort of his small cuddly body and the willingness to stay with me and listen to me sing and pray over him. There is nothing not to cherish about it. And I ponder. As I hold him in the dark with a tighter squeeze myself. I whisper how much I love him. Do I cling to my Heavenly Father like this. Do I strive to get my hands around Him and hold tight. Is my head resting peacefully upon His shoulder? Am I listening? Can I hear Him singing over me and do I start to sing with Him even though I know He is singing to me.
I am afraid ... that truth be told, I am struggling to be God's child in this beautful cherishable daily moment. I want to rest. I want to be held. I want to hear Him singing and for my heart to sing along with Him.

Breathing Deep Once More
"Mommy! I'm scared. mommy, please come here." she yells from her bed. I just tucked her in. I go back in to talk with her and she is afraid. Scared of fires. She asks lots of questions about how fires start and I answer them the best I can on a 5 year old level. I pray over her and her heart and mind and say amen. She says with such convincing drama, "I just can't get the thoughts of fire out of my head." So we talk about our bible verse, "when I am afraid, I will trust in you" and I put the song on repeat. It was a perfect moment to teach her about taking our thoughts captive unto Christ. I explained to her that every time she thinks about the fires or other thoughts she doesn't want to have to give the thought to Jesus. she said, "ok but it just comes back." Next, I told her that we have to replace the thought with a bible verse. I asked her if she knew a bible verse she could say. "Yes, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." So every time you have a scary thought then quickly tell Jesus to take the thought and say your bible verse out loud. We practiced a few times. She asks me to pray once more...and I pray with a thinkful heart that all I need to parent is written in the bible. Amen.