Moving realizations part 4

I didn't tell many people this time...

Moving wasn't on my radar. Seems that every move takes me by surprise more and more. I should always be ready...I know it is just preparation for when I will permanently move... When the day comes and Jesus moves me into His forever mansion prepared for all His very own.

But all these earthly moves. 

The kids are growing fast but yet it still seems slow. They love life. A simple box and packing peanuts make the greatest toys around. The boxes were easy to find this time (God always blesses me with rare and treasured friendships), the uhaul packed well and the unpacking was smoother because I am learning...(and my mom is here). 

But these transitions. 

These changes. 

I think they are not happening and then I realize...

Everything has changed but we are still a family. My babe is learning to farm and work the land with my dad. We are still together. I have three lil miracles tagging right beside me. 6 lil eyes watching. 3 mouths singing to the radio ("and all the people said amen oh oh oh ooh") with me and 6 lil feet full of mud and sticky ash tree sap. 

There are still great things unpacking... 

Watching my man use strength and determination wile blessing and helping my dad. How quickly I can see my mom in person now. The sweet ways my children all snuggle together when they could all sit on there own piece of furniture. To look outside and see them giggling together. The dandelions my 4 year old picks and hides behind his back and so romantically offers them to me. A simple weed but beauty to the children. Moving always show me the weeds in my heart and mind. And I can't seem to find the beauty in them. 

I wanted to think that moving gets easier the more you move...it doesn't. 

I still fight the change. The loss of what I had figured out. The schedule, the daily menu, the friends and how I handled lonely long days as a mom. It all starts over. And I struggle to find my new normal. 

This move should be full of pure joy and celebration. Most say welcome back. I moved back home... My parents farm just miles from me. Room to breathe and just familiar faces and remembering each personality and their quirks and funny ways. But I am not home yet...to be totally honest, I am scared...forced to be speechless. Waiting on The One and Only to catch me up to what He is up to. I want to go where he sends me. I believe I am physically here but the rest of me is still trying to make it home. Why is change so ridiculously exhausting and difficult? Struggling to wonder what happened to my desire for God to do what He must do to strengthen me. I am finding it harder and harder to desire the fire ... Even when I know He tells me I won't be burned, even though I know he has said he is making a way in the desert. Oh my faith seems weak. My heart is steadfast I say but my mind needs renewing. How do I pick up my cross daily and follow you Jesus ? I want a bigger view. A sneak preview. I just want to know how many more stops...and then I realize God is still on the move and He will not leave me behind in my lacking of understanding, lacking of faith, lacking of relationships...he promises to carry me but he is asking me to leave the boxes behind because I won't need them to get where we are going. Jesus please empty me and pack me with your desires, your will, more of you and less of me. I realize I am just getting in the way. And you want to do the unpacking and packing.

So until the final ultimate eternal move...i am sure there was a reason it took determination and a lil brokenness to get my Jesus chair in my bedroom. I can't live without my Jesus time. And no there isn't power in the chair, but it is significant because I sit down to meet with Jesus. I will hope and pray my Jesus chair can handle all the emotions and questions, joys and pains and fears and fill me to be emptied again. My Jesus I need thee...

Tangible Reminders

I was reading in my bible this morning about the description of Jesus written in Revelation chapter 1 verses 9-16. The last verse says, "His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance." I tried to sketch a drawing of those 6 verses to try to wrap my mind around 'what I can only imagine'. My art skills are lacking to put it nicely. But it made an impact at any rate. One of my daily goals recently is to not stop reflecting and pondering what I have read in the bible that morning.
I want to fear the Lord. I want to know Jesus as my Master and Savior and Best Friend forever. I want to understand what He looks like. I want to imagine what I will see when I get to my real home; when I am greeted in the clouds by my King of Kings! Oh I truly can only imagine. To be perfectly honest the description seems so bright, so hot, so beyond my eyes to see that I wonder if I can get near Him. I know I can hear him and I loved the description of his voice. It said His voice was like the sound of rushing waters. I love to think of that sound -- it fills my mind with peace, gentleness, and fresh air to breathe.
I was driving the kids to swimming lessons today and we were driving right into the sun. My 2 year old is so sensitive. He is always quick to yell out his discontent about the brightness and today as he yelled my 6 year old daughter said, "just close your eyes."
The brilliance of the sun! That was it...the verses from this morning became tangible. I excitedly began to tell the kids about Jesus' description. I told them to just close their eyes and think about Jesus being like the sun shining in all it's brilliance. And then she said the sweetest words, "I feel like I am being held in Jesus' arms." My 6 year old helped me understand that we might go blind with our earthly eyes but our soul is comforted and drawn near by His brilliance. When He is holding us in His arms, we are covered and protected and the world cannot stand to look at us because of the shining brilliance of Jesus. In Jesus arms, we are not blinded because we know we have arrived into our Creator's embrace. Just as a child settles and rests their head on a parents shoulder so we can do the same with Jesus; our eyes can close and we can just be HELD.
surrounded by all His glory.
hearing the whispers like rushing waters in our ear.
and He says, "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!"
So tomorrow fix your eyes on the Sun and then just close them and be HELD in the tangible reminder.