It's a daily battle. Yet it's a daily joy all the same. The lack of doors I get to shut and the lack of locks I get to turn. It hit me as my hand smoothed the water running down the shower curtain as I strained to see my 2 year old sitting on the floor getting into daddy's books on his nightstand. I smiled and he sheepishly grinned back knowing my reflection was blurry. And to him it was only a game of hide-n-seek and a chance to be curious George without being caught.
All I needed was a shower.
Needs.
So many needs in this life. Needs of a 5 year old, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and needs of a tired hard working husband. As fun as the game of hide-n-seek and thoughts of, "oh no, I can't see him...what is he into now?"...
It's so easy in this life to get confused with what I really need and what I really want. I guess the truth was I needed a shower but I wanted the privacy. Sometimes I wonder if I could just turn all my needs into wants and to be honest I try. Denying myself and sacrificing for my family would be so much easier if I thought of it as a want. Wouldn't it?
If I could use the bathroom in peace, quiet, and privacy? If I could sit in my Jesus chair and hear more than that small voice, "me want to cowor" and then watch the scribbles cover overt he Holy words. Seems I am often straining through to get to what really matters. I find myself in frustration and self pity sometimes over these lack of closed doors and unturned locks. But today I find myself lying in bed fighting the tears and then feeling them dampen my pillow.
Oh Jesus, I want so much to deny myself and take up my cross and follow you. Why is it so hard to deny my needs?
And as I write this, it is 6 a.m.
I hear the cry from my 2 year old in his crib, "I want daddy. I want daddy." I continue to write hoping it's just a dream...I prayed through the heart wrenching cry from down the hall...
Oh I wish I didn't have needs.
I lifted myself from my Jesus chair to heed the call of my son and it hit me. I want to need. I want to need because Jesus didn't die for nothing. I am so thankful that I have needs. I can lay in my bed and call out, "Daddy. I want daddy. I want daddy." And He comes to me and walks with me and talks with me. All because my door is still open and unlocked.
And so now I sing this song even when I wish I could shut the door and lock it but there are needs around me constantly...
Lord I need you, Lord I need you.
(click on this link and worship with me and thank God for your need)
