Are you a good baby?

It's a common question asked to new moms...whether it is her first baby or second or third baby...
 "Is he a good baby?"
This question has been poking me lately. Poking me with lil' pangs

pangs of guilt...so Malachi is my third baby and so i have two other children to compare him to when answering this question. And with all the family and friend Christmas gatherings I have cousins and other moms to watch as well. Oh all this comparison just makes me feel guilty for thinking maybe he isn't that good of a baby or maybe it is just my parenting or my diet affecting my breastmilk or...maybe he just likes to cry and burp and spit and is having his own pangs thus far...but seriously, what mommy wnts to acknowledge or believe that her baby isn't good?

pangs of wonder...since pondering of Jesus' birth at Christmas, I have thought much about having this conversation with Mary: I imagine approaching the stable just days after Jesus was born and just before they are going to leave their 'hospital'. "so Mary is he a good baby?" Would she answer with reflections of when the angel came to her with the news that she would become pregnant through the power of the Spirit and have God's son recalling her humility and acceptance of this calling on her life? Or would she respond through the more immediate realities of her sore body from child birth, her engorged breasts and possible sore nipples from the newness of breastfeeding, her exhausted state after being up all night and all day as if there wasn't a difference, and her less then adequate physical environment of a barn where the echo of a baby crying could be piercing and earth shaking...? Can I be like Mary and not compare when I know that the creator of the universe has been so good to me and woven together so delicately my 3 blessings? Can I have the humble perspective that life is so much greater than me and that finally my career has changed from daily collection calls that impact not to a life of daily mothering with discipline, fun, hugs, and lots of creativity to guide and guard 3 precious lil souls and hearts straight back to the only savior Jesus Christ who was once a good baby Himself. Isn't he amazing to become just like one of us?!

pangs of discouragement...even now as I sit to write this blog, my precious lil' Malachi (messenger of God) is crying to be held and now I am typing one handed...seems life with a good baby is full of cuddles, bouncing, walking, standing, and a large flannel blanket that I call a burp rag.

pangs of inspiration...yet I have been inspired these days; inspired to take this question to the Lord. Facts are that I feel like a baby these days. With all the changes in my life, i find myself wanting my mommy... And then I realize who I really need is my creator God Almighty himself. I need Him when I feel lonely in the midst of playing with laundry baskets as if they were motorcycles and minivans. I need Him when I don't wake up before the kids and so I miss my opportunity for quiet Jesus time and a possible shower. I need Him when the cereal and juice spill on the floor for the 2nd time and I see no fruit for my labor. And sometimes I need Him to catch my tears as I cry in my exhaustive state because life is overwhelming when my selfishness starts to drive my life...selfishness that just wants the kids to be sleeping early enough to enjoy a game of pinochle with my hubby, selfishness that longs to just be still and soak in the word of God, and then the selfishness to want my friends that I left back in Minnesota...
So for today I am probably not a good baby peacefully resting in the arms of God. But I am so thankful that it isn't my goodness that God is counting on. My verse for today from the verse cards in my bathroom reminded me of whose goodness life depends on - Psalm 31:9 "your goodness is so great!..."
and that is enough for me at least I am asking God to satisfy me because my baby is crying once again, my 2 year old spilled again, and my four year old said she needs the iPod because she doesn't have any good toys to play with...oh baby! Thankfully God is good and I know it!

Oh for Goodness Sake...

For the past year, I have had Psalm 27 typed out and hanging up in my office to ponder. And there have been a few verses that have always stung my heart strings:
verse 1  The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?
verse 4 One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gave upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
verse 8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.
verse 13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

So I was reminded again of these verses as I packed up my office on my last day of work for Interbank after 7 years to move onto the calling that God has for the Jensen family: a job for Pete, my husband, in Jamestown, North Dakota and a calling for me to finally be home with the 3 children that God so perfectly formed within my womb and so graciously continues to bless us with. God's call came quickly and the move happened without warning, basically. My head is still spinning and still thinks this might all be a dream or that we are just on a vacation or that I am just taking an extended maternity leave. But regardless of it all, it really happened...check out this timeline and pictures of proof:

October 31st - Pete accepted the job
November 2nd - Elizabeth, Malachi and Tracy drove to Jamestown, ND and looked at 12 rental places in 4 hours.
November 7th - I went back to work at Interbank to put my final 2 weeks in.
November 8th - Miracle got headlice...let's not talk about this challenge (maybe this part was a dream....)

Jamestown, ND can't be vacation, Pete and I took a vacation from November 11 through November 16 to Florida we flew so Pete could play drums in the worship band for a youth pastors conference. Malachi loved the ocean!

We said goodbye to our wonderful daycare provider, Michelle. She was a heaven sent blessing from the Lord for the last 3 1/2 years. My tears come quickly with thoughts of her and my love runs deep. She was a lil' of that goodness that the Lord talks about in Psalm 27.

On November 19th, we packed up our 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house and drove away to move into our 2 bedroom duplex on November 20th.

On November 21st our new reality hit. Pete started his new job and I began to digest that I now get to invest my time into 3 precious treasures from heaven full time...

So the joy and challenges of sacrifices to make this happen began...

 3 in 1 Bedroom

Can 2 sleep in 1 crib?

Miracle went from being shy and not ever wanting to go to sunday school or sing at our church in Minnesota to being a dove in the Jamestown church children's christmas program and sang her heart out!



Now Miracle and I rock side ponytails together...And Matthias and I love to wake up before the rest and eat breakfast and then eat some more when Mira wakes up...

 Love notes from my man...loving this new move!

I love this dish soap since there is no dishwasher but my two hands...i actually cherish this time as my daily "alone" time. Jesus washes my sins away as I seek His face while  washing dishes...

My Caribou Coffee replacement...and if you are wondering my kids and I follow the statement on the mug daily!

This is a picture of my carpeted kitchen...oh dear...but if you seek that black thing on the picture that is actually one of the magnets in the $2 shower curtain that I bought and taped to the floor for easier daily cleanup of spills and messes...

Yes, the nasty challenge - that is a mouse trap. If you want a fun dramatic true story just ask me about the mouse in our house. I never asked to be Cinderella...

I have a bear cubbie in  my house now too. Miracle earned her vest at the Wednesday night Awana church program by memorizing 3 bible verses in one week!

My lil' reindeer! I can't believe he is already 3 months old...and he just slept 10 hours straight 2 nights ago...must be because I can feed him lots during the day now. I sure don't miss pumping at work!

So with all the changes that have happened so fast I have started to see more of the Lord's goodness in our lives. It's a richness that money and a bigger house and more space can't compete with.

 I am so thankful that God's house can forever be my dwelling place as the Psalm says. I cling to the promise that God can be my stronghold when there are so many things that could put me in bondage or drag my focus into a pit. And I constantly am reminded in my frustrations and tough times of learning the new ropes of everything that I need to seek His face. And so I wait upon the Lord...for more of His ways in our life...and some days I say, "thank you Lord for your Goodness." And some days I say, "oh, for goodness sake Lord help me..now, please."

And in the midst of the move, transitions, a 3 month old nursing baby...

It's Christmas Time...the tree is lil'....but the meaning is largest...the Savior of the World was Born!

And that is definitely for more than GOODNESS SAKE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Rejoice that Christ was born so we don't just have Mas.

4 Weeks Already and the Fruit of Love!

Malachi turned 4 weeks old yesterday!
I can't believe it's already been that long. Malachi is now starting to have more wake time during the day and is now trying to compete with his 2 year old brother in the battle of 'who can keep their pacifier in their mouth for more of the day' award. Yes, I know a 2 year old shouldn't have a pacifier anymore but we are working on it..
So here is what my three blessings look like after 4 weeks of being a family of 5!

Yes, Matthias has his pacifier in his hand (he took it out for the picture but forgot to smile) and Malachi is actually just chillin' for the moment (yay!)

So, for the next 9 'week days', I have the pleasure and privilege of being a fulltime stay-at-home mommy because my daycare is on vacation. Because I have to continue to pay for the daycare while on maternity leave, I was still bringing them to daycare a few days a week.

I have decided that each day for our daily devotional we will focus on one fruit of the spirit from Galatians 5:23 because there are 9 fruits of the Spirit.
Today was the 1st fruit:
LOVE

I hope these comments from Miracle and Matthias warm your heart and strengthen your faith as they did mine:

Me: Today the verse is from Galatians 5:23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. And for today we are going to talk about love. How can we show and experience love?

Miracle: Mom, I want to tell you something (big smile on her face and excitement in her voice) Jesus can talk to us from heaven. God can talk to us from heaven.

Me: What some ways to show love?

Miracle: Hugging. Kissing. Sharing our toys.

Me: Matthias, who do you love?

Matthias: Mira. God.

As for Malachi, he wanted to see how much I would love him too today because it seemed like everytime he was awake, he needed to be held and he needed the pacifier. And isn't that just how we are with our heavenly father? I am in constant need of his Presence and his soothing power...and He never fails to satisfy if I cry out to Him.

Thank you Jesus for providing a way to this Majestic Heavenly Father who swaddles me and comforts me and guides me in these sleepless and challenging days of being a student of 3 of your children that you have chosen me to be their earthly mommy. Keep me humble enough to cry out to you and help me Jesus to impress your love upon them today and always. Thank you for your fruit of love!

Amen.

The memory verse for the day was Psalm 116:1 "I LOVE the Lord."

Another Mother Daughter 1st!

So after my last post, I decided it was time to get a lil' pampering...I found a coupon for $20 pedicure and just couldn't resist it any longer. So, on Sunday, I fed Malachi and then Miracle and I left the boys at home for some extra special bonding time as girls and some much needed relaxation.

I will let the pictures tell the story...Enjoy!

He's FAITHFUL & TRUE in the chaos

It's Saturday. Pete left around 6:30a.m. for work and won't be home til later this afternoon. After 3 1/2 weeks with 3 kids, I'm going a lil' crazy...

Tried to do my biblestudy this morning while feeding Malachi and watching the other two kiddos...this is the only verse that I digested:

Psalm 33:4 For the word of the Lord is right and true. He is faithful in all He does.

Somebody, come an make some lunch for us (please!)

Yes, I have been wearing this nusing top for 2 1/2 days straight...



I had to enclose them in the garage so I could go and nurse Malachi...the safest way to let them keep playing "outside"

I guess it will be bathtime before lunch today


Oh and for Malachi because he just spit up his entire feeding and is crying...

Well, this is what Malachi looked like 5 minutes ago when I started this blog:

I guess I better go rescue the rascals from the garage...

Clinging to the one verse my mind can hold today.

Malachi's 2 week promise

I found the perfect promise from God's word that was written just for Malachi...

Isaiah 66:11 "For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance."

Words proven true:

At his 2 week doctor appointment Malachi weighed in at 7pounds 13ounces (remember he was 6pounds 15ounces at birth). The doctors were impressed and so was I.
My milk must be abundant because he is quite the spitter too...just way too much milk for each feeding.

Well, hopefully you get a sligh giggle from this post. I just had to post the verse when I read it.

Newborn Treatment For All?

When I start dreaming about a verse from the bible and then realize that it wasn't only a dream, it's probably time to post a blog. So, here it is from real life and my dreams...

My current journal that I write to the Lord in has this verse on the cover:

Isaiah 66:13

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you...

I have been pondering this verse often lately as I care for my sweet baby Malachi around the clock. It is always amazing to me how quickly I forget the never ending diaper changes, drawn out nursing times that seem you've just finished feeding and yet have to start all over again, the swaddling and re-swaddling, and the shh'ing and gentle lullabies that become necessary to comfort a newborn. And with those tasks and so many more that I have not mentioned, God gives me the grace and provides restful mercies to allow me to be the mother he created me to be if I look to Him. I love to seize the moments throughout the day and night when I am awake and just pray through my exhaustion and somehow I am renewed. Of course, as an earthly mother of three children I have found myself playing the juggling act quite often. Miracle and Matthias need me and so I say calmly in midst of the cries from both children, "Mommy has two hands and two knees...one for each (and as I say this I hope that Malachi won't need me for those minutes). It was 4 o'clock in the morning and I once again was up to feed Malachi when Miracle woke up. I told her I was feeding Malachi and she needed to go back to sleep...and I continued to nurse Malachi through my sleepiness and dozed off. When I woke up I found Miracle right at my feet in front of the chair sleeping all cuddled up in my blanket. When she woke up, I said what were you doing sleeping by the chair? She answered, "I just wanted to snuggle really close to you."

Miracle's behavior led me to ask myself, "Do I believe God wants to comfort me?"

God's word stands true and I am comforted by this verse from Isaiah because I believe in who God is. He never tires, gets weary, has hands large enough to cradle you and me closely to his beating heart, and has a lap big enough for more than one child. I am so thankful that we do not have to quietly and sheepishly crawl over to his feet and be satisfied...No, he has promised to comfort us like a mother comforts her child. God wants to scoop us up even before he hears our hunger cue, he wants to fix the blanket so it creates security once again after we have been kicking and crying and are found completely uncovered and helpless, he will whisper into our ear the things we need to hear to calm our anxious minds, and if he needs he will hold us upright all night to get us back on His track...

Once a child of God...Forever a child of God...let yourself be comforted in the way you need today.

Need a message from God?

Our lil' 'Messenger of God' is here!

Meet

Malachi James...

Named after the biblical prophet Malachi. Malachi was God's messenger bringing the message to God's people that their willful disobedience is not irreparable; hope is still existing, God can heal and remend and reweave fabric; forgiveness is forever available and God's grace stands...

And so our lil' Malachi entered the world on September 13, 2011 @ 2:15a.m.

weighing in at 6lbs 14 1/2oz

measuring 20 1/2 inches

WONDERFULLY & FEARFULLY MADE!!!

Malachi 4:2 says, "But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall."

What's his message so far?

1.There is often pain before blessing

picture taken: the very minute I was pushing him out...



2. He won't stay quiet; the message is too important...God can grab your heart through my lil' mouth.

3. "Malachi says:"

God wants a relationship with each of you to a greater degree than how excited you (mom & dad) are to meet me and spend your days with me...serving and worshipping God must be our primary focus.

4. My siblings 'Act of God' Miracle and 'Gift of God' Matthias can calm me with their sweet songs and noises...I especially love it and become completely content when they sing Jesus Loves Me in perfect unison.

The prayer that God has laid on my heart through the birth and blessing of Malachi:

I pray we are a family that heeds the message of Malachi and can constantly repent of our daily sins; to fix our eyes upon Jesus and revere Him, that we may find healing for our wounds, disappointments in this life, and trials that come along with this earth. I ask that God would find favor upon the Peter Jensen family, His very own Miracle, Matthias, and Malachi and that freedom would reign! As our three precious children of God grow up that they would go out and leap like calves released from the stall with the knowledge and feelings that they are free to be In Christ and run through this life with the joy of Jesus who gives us victory from the grave and life everlasting for the message never ends.

AMEN

a new perspective on light days!

Now that I am just over 36 weeks, the nesting syndrome has completely set in and we are almost ready...well I'm tired and as I am writing this blog Miracle is standing in front of me with her mop and my mop saying "we have to clean the kitchen floor still." I think the floor will just have to wait for another light day of cleaning. So here is what our light day consisted of today:

*laundry
*getting the baby clothes out and picking out a boy outfit and a girl outfit for the hospital
*vacuuming
*organizing the tupperware cupboard
*playing at the park
*eating freezy pops
*dusting
*cleaning up the playroom
*uploading the pictures from the camera onto the computer so we are ready for a new beginning
*making sure the bills and filing were up to date
*painting Miracle's and my fingernails and toenails (yes, I was so desiring a pampering spa pedicure, but the home foot bath with bubbles just had to do once again)

So the real story about light days is this: the other night I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night with Miracle after she had had an accident because she didn't get to the potty quick enough. So I cleaned everything up and we jumped back into her bed to get right back to sleep...God has such a way of preparing me for what is to come. Miracle wouldn't go back to sleep. She said her butt was still dripping and after changing underwear 3 times because she said they were wet and attempting to wear a pull-up which she said was too hot to wear...I was at a loss of what to do...I know that some of your are thinking oh she might have a bladder infection but it wasn't that she just likes to find ways to stall because her least favorite thing is sleeping (no kidding). So I laid there trying to stay calm thinking about the nights ahead where I am not only dealing with this crazy drama fest but nursing a newborn too. "Lord, I just want to go to sleep before I have to pee again." So, my greatest idea was the Kotex light days pantyliners that I had in the cupboard. Miracle was pretty hesistant at first but what 3 year old wouldn't love to put a soft sticker in their underwear? Worked like a charm! One fancy sticker for her underwear and we were finished with the light day in the middle of the night. The fun carried on for about 3 days of 'soft stickers' in her underwear but I think they are almost over.

So Miracle's light days might be coming to an end, but I am anticipating the 'light days' that I will have in the middle of the night coming so soon as my days and nights run together nursing a sweet precious newborn once again. And to take it a step further, I am praying that I can live in the light of the Lord even when my tired sleep deprived body and mind can't even think.

John 8:12 "...I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all."

Jean shopping with a 3 year old 'woman'

Here's another shallow blog post. My life has to be light hearted right now when I'm gaining a pound a week and anticipating the fact that Pete and I will soon be outnumbered and our life will go through yet another transition with many anticipated and unanticipated changes.

So, the other day, I was able to wear jeans to work and they had sparkles on them and Miracle wanted to wear her sparkle jeans too. But she has outgrown her jeans from last year...so off to the store we went.
After one hour. 2 stores. 9 different pairs of sparkle jeans. lots of silly faces, poses, and giggles. Miracle and I left the store with 2 pairs of jeans with a big shining grin from Miracle.

Trying the jeans on in the dressing room was quite a noisy adventure. It was as if they were silly jeans because she instantly became so silly posing and making faces in the mirror as she looked at the back and front of the jeans. Oh she laughed and giggled. I hope and pray that jean shopping with her will always be this fun...so maybe I'm dreaming or out of touch with reality but that's alright for now.

Here are some pictures of the jeans we bought on Miracle's 1st jean shopping experience (of course she wouldn't take a picture if she wasn't being silly because they are actually silly jeans I guess.)

Miracle wanted to be sure I posted the picture of her sleeping. Isn't that what jean shopping does to us women?

My 2 year old big boy!

Matthias turned 2 years old on August 10, 2011.

Yes, they spelled his name wrong on the cake...
But it still tasted good. He brought the cake to daycare and daddy joined the daycare kids for lunch and the birthday party! Matthias woke up singing happy birthday to himself and was getting mad at his daycare friends for saying happy birthday to him. I guess he didn't understand that they were saying it to him. He thought they were trying to steal his birthday.

I don't know how it happens...suddenly Matthias is done with his booster chair and he NOT sitting in it. I think daddy is convinced he's raising a football player with is strong lean lil' body so a few falls off the chair will only toughen him up I suppose. He hasn't fallen off yet. I think he was born with more coordination and athleticism than I have ever had after working to attain it. However, he still thinks he's "1" if you ask him how old he is. Oh well, we all grow up too fast anyway.

He's such a fun happy laid back toddler. He loves to sing and it is one of my favorite things to wake up to Matthias singing songs in his crib just patiently waiting for someone to come and get him. You never know what song it will be: Twinkle Little Star, Jesus Loves Me, The B-I-B-L-E, Veggie Tales...He talks more than any other 2 year old boy I know. He loves to climb on anything and jump off. He still loves ball and sleeps with at least one ball in his crib with him. He loves to play drums just like his daddy. It is so much fun to watch him play his new drum pad that he got for his birthday. He often quietly just watches as his dramatic 3 1/2 year old sister tantrums and lives out her drama with a look of "what is her problem" on his face. But prayers are always welcome because he is also the biggest parrot and copy-catter right now so let's hope he doesn't start tantrumming like Miracle does. I wonder if he is secretly hoping for a baby brother?

So, it won't be but weeks and I will have another baby. I guess I better stop calling my 'big boy' my baby.

I love my 'gift from God' Matthias!

Happy Belated 2nd Birthday!

Miracle's 1st Sleepover

This blog is a few days overdue but it is noteworthy to jot down for a good memory. Last Friday night, July 29, 2011 Miracle had her first sleepover. She packed her suitcase with her sleeping bag, her two puppy blankets, jammies, pullup, toothbrush and toothpaste, swimsuit, and change of clothes; I picked her up from daycare and off we went to her cousin Emma's house for the long awaited sleepover. Miracle was so excited as we drove over there and she said, "Mom, you and Matthias stay in the car and just drop me off." I asked her if she was my little girl or my big girl and she said, "Big girl mom I'm growing bigger."
She had a great time with her cousins.

The Father's Shadow

I love when God uses my little children to teach me of His promises and how I should be living my own life! It’s is one of the many blessings that I am so thankful to God for in each of my children.


So my lil’ man, Matthias is almost 2 years old.

And that means that we have been starting to frequently hear:

*a whiny tone of voice

*the words “me do it myself” and

*tantrums if he is misunderstood or

*tantrums when frustrated because he can’t do something he has his mind set on.

So, as we were walking out of church, I heard the “tone” and looked back at Matthias who was walking behind daddy. At first glance, the protective mother in me quickly and pridefully thought, “why isn’t Pete following him or walking beside him?” And then Pete said to me, “he likes to walk in my shadow.” So, Matthias was getting frustrated because he was having a tough time staying in Pete’s shadow as they walked to the car.

I just turned around and continued walking to the car as I started to converse with God. Amazed. Reminded. Humbled. Asking God that Matthias would always choose to walk in the shadow His Heavenly Father and that Pete would be a godly eathly father to continue leading Matthias to the Lord. Then I started asking God to help me to slow down or move beind God to always remain in His shadow throughout my life on this earth in the highs and lows.

I was prompted to read up on the promises and commands of how to be and why to be in God’s shadow:

Psalm 36:7

“How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 63:7
“Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.”

Psalm 91:1

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

 

MY FAVORITE OF ALL

Isaiah 51:16

 “I have put my words in your mouth and

covered you with the shadow of my hand –

I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth,

and who say to Zion, ‘You are my people.’”

I am so thankful that we don't have to work so hard to walk in God's shadow and get frustrated. I am so thankful that Our God is Greater. Our God is Bigger. Just the shadow of His hand covers me and covers you. Wow! I can't wait until Matthias understands this great truth. There in the shadow we will find rest and refuge. Two things we will all need as we live this earthly life.

Yes, forgive me God for believing in a god that's so small. You set the heavens in place. You laid the foundations of the earth. You call me your own.

PILLOWS!

Sometimes we just have to throw all the PILLOWS in...

Call it a DAY...

And...

PLAY!

Yep, all the pillows are in the kitchen on the floor and...
 we dove,
              ran & jumped,
                                   and "swam" in our pool of PILLOWS!

Speaking of pillows...
Can you imagine not sleeping with a pillow?
Do you remember your first night sleeping with a pillow?
Well, Matthias won't remember it either but at 20 months old we decided it was time...
He sleeps with a pillow now! He looks like such a big boy laying in his crib with his pillow, puppy blanket, all cuddled up under his blanket. Just love it!

So all that to say - it was one deep breath of PILLOW fun yesterday!

Raw or Candy-Coated?

I love writing. But it isn't an easy task. Sure it comes somewhat naturally for me, but leaves me transparent, vulnerable, known, and bears my soul with a sweetened perspective that wouldn't come to me otherwise. It's my passion maybe. Yet some days and some months, it might be easier to not sit down to write because the season might be too easy, too happy, or just too busy to... Or maybe it might be better to just blog for only myself to see and read it. All this to say, I blog not for the few readers or the occasional web surfer stragler, but just because I experience the Lord in a whole new way.
Sure some of my writings seem topped with melted butter, or creamy frosting, coated with hard candy shell, or showered with the color pink that makes everything in my life seem rosy. It is easiest to be covered, but I want to be raw.
I want my heart to be raw; raw before my Maker and Creator. Scary. Yet so completely freeing. Hope with no fear of disappoint lingers deep down from the history I already have with God. I know how He works within my life...
Have you ever experienced life with such immense feeling you weren't sure you could overcome them and choose God? Or has your heart ever become so hard that it's like a hard candy coating that won't even melt in your hand let alone God's because you've chosen to clamp the shell and not allow even your Wonderful Maker to soften and renew His masterpiece?
Well, I am somewhere within those questions; it's a pendelum for me to swing between feelings to numbness, but I don't have to live here where the fear, doubt, wonder, and bondage so easily begin to bar me in. No, it is for freedom that Christ has set me free it says in Galatians. And I can fight. Or better yet I can stop resisting and be brutally honest with God and let Jesus take the nails instead of letting the fear of hurt, rejection, shame, pride, unforgiveness, bitterness and past choices pierce my heart. I can choose to breathe the living words of life as Hebrews proclaims regardless of what my feelings are. Jesus Christ overcame the grave! So He can surely overcome my feelings or lack of and make me new again.. So, I want that freshly grown rawness, the purest source of nutrients with perfect flavor...I desire to be raw just as God created me with nothing covering, coating, or changing me. I plead for God at this season in my life because who but the Creator can make a hardened, cooked, or cracked egg raw again. Only God alone can! Oh how I know so much is at stake if God doesn't overcome me. So I lay bearing my soul allowing tears or anger or quietness to fester. Uncomfortable? Oh yeah!

Here's the truth I am claiming from Psalm 27 (with Italics being my thoughts):
verse 1b The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom should I be afraid?
(I do not have to trust my feelings, they do not have to be my stronghold, I do not have to fear when they may lead. THE LORD IS THE STRONGHOLD OF MY LIFE!)
2b when my enemies and my foes attack me they will stumble and fall
7-8 Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face Lord, I will seek.
 (Choosing the still small voice of The Holy Counselor, the gift that Christ gave to me, I will answer that cry amidst the other feelings to Seek His Face! Thank you God for your mercy that makes this possible.)
11 Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path...do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me
(Lord, I want your way, your path. My feelings can be true or they can be my foes; they are a false witness compared to your way. Please help me.)
13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord: be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
(Yes, I am confident that I can wait upon the Lord and He will overcome me, my feelings and lack of and His goodness will be revealed even in this fragile earthly life of mine. Making my heart raw once again is an easy task for Creator God but his gentleness and mercy and love for me are somethings that slow down the process but well worth the wait I'm certain.)

So, what'll it be Raw and Christ-coated or candy-coated?
I'm praying and waiting upon the Lord...
I want to be raw and Christ-coated; completely vulnerable and surrendered to my Savior. My only Redeemer.
It's a process.

Oh, thank you Jesus...

I'm often reminded by just listening and watching my 3 1/2 year old daughter of the things I do and say. Like today, when she was trying to climb onto the big bed in her room. It's a really big bed because it has a box spring and two mattresses on it because we didn't want to get rid of either mattress for visitors' sake. So anyway, today as she was grabbing at the sheets and climbing up she was struggling to make it up and finally she made it on to the top of the mattresses and said, "oh, thank you Jesus for getting me on to this bed."
It was a perfect reminder of all the times I have said, "oh, thank you Jesus...for shutting the garage door (it probably would help if I changed the battery, but it's more fun to sit in the driveway and pray with the kids); oh, thank you Jesus for this food., oh, thank you Jesus for this home, oh, thank you Jesus for this child..."
It's easy for me to unload with thankfulness for the obviouse blessings of life, but lately, I have been challenged in this earthly life to say,

"Oh, thank you Jesus for...":

• this storm in my life where the wind causes my ears to struggle to hear you, and waves become so high I fear I can't see and you prove your sovereignty over and over again, revealing your presence in the midst of the storm
• teaching me that I can not lean on my own understanding but I can lean upon your understanding
• being the creator of marriage with a divine purpose in mind
• confirming my reason for living is to glorify my Father in heaven and share the hope that only you can offer
• calling me to holiness as you are holy; life is so much more than happiness.
• ridding me of control once again and creatoring another masterpiece within my womb

"Oh, thank you Jesus for so much more than my words can express; you are the keeper of my heart and every tear I cry, every storm I endure, every humbling moment,... is worth it if it draws me nearer to you."